


Love/Hate

by Jamjam494



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: AU, Angst, Gen, Gwen Bashing, Spoilers for whole Series, Time Lord Ianto Jones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 20:39:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3909892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jamjam494/pseuds/Jamjam494
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto Jones hates being a Time Lord, just as much as he loves it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love/Hate

He hates that he can never tell them. Hates that timelines have to be preserved, that events have to play out a certain way. He hates that he knows this, that he has to carry the knowledge of time and it's workings around every second, hour day.

 

It gnaws at his guts, threatens to tear open a new mouth and _be acknowledged_ , because that's what it means to be a Time Lord. Even if you never have anyone thank you for what you do, Ianto's race has always carried a desire, a _need_ , to know that they're superior. And he's listened to Jack talk about his time with the Doctor, how the man makes you want to be a better person that you are, but Ianto knows it's all bullshit. He remembers the doctor from his short time on Gallifrey, knows that man is nothing more than an ego with legs. He knows the man likes to scrounge up whatever 'lesser' species he can and show them a big open universe that they were never ready to face. He know the bastard sets an impossible standard for his companions, and the minute they fail to live up to it they become the abandoned, left to go back to a life they know doesn't fit anymore.

 

But then the Doctor is no worse than the rest of their stupid, brilliant species. Ever since Time Lord learned how to examine and manipulate time they were arrogant, condescending, pitying; thought themselves better. He laughs about it sometimes. Laughs at the stupid race that destroyed itself through something as trivial as war. But then he always cries, because they're his family and they're all gone, just two left. Three every once in a while, the third long since been driven to assisted suicide by the Doctor he knows will stop him. He hates that he understands the Doctor's pain whenever it happens, that he has to feel another regeneration be snuffed out of existence because of Gallifrey's fucking war. He hates that he cries when he realizes his father (his happy, playful, smiling, mad, vengeful, pitiful father) will get himself killed because Gallifrey turned him into a broken shell of a soldier. 

 

Ianto Jones hates being a Time Lord. Hates it as much as he loves it. Loves that thrill that comes with seeing a species fall through the rift and thinking  _I remember when they were little balls of bacteria eating each other just to survive,_ and hates knowing that their species will end when they decide they want to mess around with their gene pool to breed stronger and smarter children.

 

He loves it when gadgets fall through. Loves to remember his days at the academy when they'd study technology, the days when his father would show him little trinkets from his travels. Loves to watch Tosh  _Oh God Tosh_ poke and prod at a machine he knows is music player that gets input from the mind of the person holding it. Loves dropping little hints that he knows won't give him away, but will give her just a nudge in the right direction. And he especially loves the way she lights up when she figures it out and he's the first person she wants to show. 

 

He loves the Weevils. Loves that even his big brilliant Time Lord brain can't figure out what the hell they are, or where they come from. He loves to watch Owen  _poor Owen_ obsess over chemical readings from blood samples and notice little things that even Ianto wouldn't. He loves that Owen jumps into his work with a passion rivaling any Time Lord, that the man would move Heaven itself if it meant he could save a life. He loves that he gets to watch and sometimes assist as Owen does things even the doctors on Gallifrey wouldn't attempt, because Owen  _knows_ he can do it. 

 

He loves Myfanwy, his precious pteradon that got him his job at Torchwood Three. He loves that he's the only one she likes, because he's the only one she can feel. He knows dinosaurs and animals have a natural empathic talent, and though he hates that humans lost it as they evolved, he loves that she gets to share it with him and only him. 

 

He hates that he loves Jack. Fucking  _hates_ it, because he knows he can't tell him. He hates that he knows Jack will never admit to loving him, even if he does, but Ianto doesn't know if he does. That's the thing he loves most about Jack. He loves that no matter what, he absolutely cannot read Jack's timeline. Trying to look at it hurts, and it's fucking brilliant. Because as much as he says he hates them, he adores surprises. He can't help it; it's the Time Lord in him. But as much as it hurts to read Jack he doesn't understand why the Doctor would call him  _wrong._

 

That's a lie. Of course he knows why. And he hates that it's a simple reason. He knows that Doctor calls Jack wrong simply because he doesn't understand, and it disgusts Ianto, because Jack isn't wrong. The excess of time vortex in Jack is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and he loves watching it swirl and spin throughout Jack very being, despite the headache. 

 

He hates that he hates Gwen Cooper. Intellectually he knows it isn't her fault he hates her, but he does. He hates that she will always be naive and selfish, refusing to accept anything that doesn't fit into her defenition of the world. He hates that as evolved as the human race is there are still cases of absolute ignorance, even in his line of work, and he hates that she is the prime example. He hates that she belittles Owen and Tosh, hates that she never gives their lives any consideration when she opens her mouth to talk about how great Rhys is, even though she spent months fucking Owen and then retconned the poor Welshman. But what he hates most is how he knows that if she ever asked, Jack would tell her he loves her. It grates at his very core, appeals to the worst part of him. Everything he does for Jack to make sure they all see him as the hero, make sure the man can make those decisions that get him called a monster, and  _still_ all it takes is one word to wrap him around her finger.

 

Ianto Jones really fucking hates being a Time Lord. He hates that every day he says hello to Tosh, asks her about that date last night, while his insides scream  _Tell her! Tell her she's going to die in the autopsy bay with a bullet through her stomach! Fucking TELL HER!_

 

He hates that whenever Owen thanks him for cleaning up, or for taking over Weevil duty so the man can finish research that his blood sings  _Tell him! Tell him that he's going to become a walking corpse, and that he's going to have to watch himself decay over a hundred years because he's a good person! Fucking TELL HIM!_

 

He hates that Gwen will outlive them, even him (this regeneration anyways) and that she'll never appreciate it. Wants to grab her and shakes and scream  _You're going to have to watch us all die, every fucking one of us, even your precious Rhys! And it'll all be because it was never enough for you! You'll have Jack, and you'll have Jack's fucking child and you'll know, and when she's old enough Rhys will know, and he'll go into the bathroom and blow his fucking brains out because it was never. Fucking. Enough! And even then, Jack won't be yours, Torchwood won't be yours, nothing will be yours Gwen Cooper and it's your own FUCKING FAULT!_

 

 

Ianto Jones hates a lot of things about being a Time Lord, and he loves a lot of things about bring a Time Lord. But out of it all, of all the brilliant and terrifying things that he knows, he hates that he had to look.

 


End file.
